My cousin Paul came over tonight. I was hanging my laundry out on the line when a pickup truck backed into my yard. It took a while for it all to register, but once I saw the guy wave and the lawnmower in the back I understood. He had gotten my message and delivered the mower right to my door! I invited him in for a Coke and he eagerly accepted, which I thought was kind of cool since we've barely spoken; after all, he is eleven years older than I am and about all we have in common are some relatives...one would think. He's a recovering meth addict walking the line of more time in jail if he fails another piss test (with weed. He was quite pleased that I never got into "that shit" meth.) but as he says, "Damn it, fifteen months of jail! And I'm a good person!" How true is that? Yeah, shit fucks you up (pardon my language, but it's impossible not to talk like that after spending half an hour with Paul) and a lot of times people do horrible stuff because of the influence of drugs or the drugs/money cycle, but unfortunately, people do worse things with a seemingly clear head and walk free all the time, whereas my dear cousin, never having been the brightest bulb on the tree but very sweet and good at heart, fucks up a little bit (okay, so a lot, but he didn't rape or steal or murder; fortunately, it was mostly his own life that got the shaft) and feels like his life belongs to the authorities of the state of Minnesota. Maybe it does, but I don't think it does. I don't think he believes that it does. His sense of the Golden Rule is pretty cool but also kind of scary, more a pessimistic view of it. For example, he's pretty angry with the chick who "narcked him out", but as much as he sort of wants horrible things for her/revenge/whatever, he really doesn't. As he says, "I would never wish that on someone, and I could never do something terrible like that to someone, because what if someone wished that for me? I've fucked up my own life too much to start in on other peoples'." Probably our most common, universal moral is the Golden Rule and its variations. Yet, isn't this selfish? Is selfishness a bad thing? This code forces us to think about what we want most, not what is for the greater good. We examine our own desires and act accordingly, as though our judgement were the Last Judgement. When I think about it, isn't "the greater good" a rather loaded term? I don't believe it is possible to isolate the self when considering the greater good. For example, if something happened for the greater good that were 100% terrible for you, would you still believe that it's for "the greater good"? I doubt it, but I would love it if someone could come up with an example to prove me wrong. I suppose that's where a lot of my own struggles come in. What is acceptable for me to want? When I want things for others, am I really just wanting them for myself, and should I want those things for them? If I shouldn't want something for someone else, then I shouldn't want it for myself, and vise-versa. Sometimes I scare myself into manipulation, sometimes I'm manipulated into being scared, and I'm scared of being manipulating and even more scared of being manipulated. Maybe hermits should be my role models. At the same time, I feel that turning into a hermit would not only be a denial of my personal nature but also a manipulation on its own, because my only real reason for rejecting society would be to avoid society rejecting me.