In examining my own behaviors, in learning what presses buttons and what prompts "Touche!", I can't help but look at past situations and my related emotions. I was browsing the archives of an ex's blog today, reading the entries from the time we were together, and while it doesn't bother me much anymore, I can't help but notice that the average reader who doesn't know him well probably would not be able to tell that he even had a girlfriend during those months, much less that the occasionally mentioned "Lex" was the one he was seeing. This used to infuriate, humiliate, and wound me, and for the longest time I felt resentment and jealousy. Now, if anything, I feel a little bit of "I told you so!" annoyance, but even more, I feel blessed with understanding and forgiveness, for both of our shortcomings. I'm starting to believe that most people have to fuck up in at least one relationship in order to have success in another. And most of the time, these fuckups come in the form of mistakes or failures; they aren't intentional, but they do just as much damage. Fortunately, this damage is helpful. It took me so long to see it, but I'm grateful now, grateful for the "practice" and grateful that the person was a wonderful man-to-be and just not ready or right for me rather than someone with a nasty interior. You have to be disappointed or betrayed to understand what you really need and value. You have to show the side of yourself you wish weren't there in order to know what kind of person you truly want to be. I think you have to be let down in order to recognize how terrible it is when you let down someone else, and if both parties have been in both positions, the chances of it happening, if the feelings are genuinely there, are much slimmer. You don't want to be the person who burns or gets burned because you've been there and done that. In a good relationship, one that is meaningful and wonderful and healthy and that you desire, you will look within yourself and examine the embarassing truths you try to excuse, and if all the garbage you hang on to is hurtful, you let it go. Sometimes this is a process, and sometimes you don't clean it all out at once, but if you sort through it and realize how much of it is junk, you'll eventually get rid of what you don't need and take in what makes your life better.