Can't help but wonder if it's all just about light and shadow. If everything is so beautiful, why do I feel so wrong? Blew up at Mom tonight...guess I wasn't expecting such a festive mood on her part. I bet her a thousand dollars that her lover's expatriot son and his babykilling wife would be showing up for the season, or the Teen Wonder, or Marcel, Therèse, Jean de Florette or his pudding-pounding ex...anyone but me. She didn't like that so much. Boo hoo. 'Tis the season for little monster-bitch me to start ruining things. YEAH. Maybe she was just pissy because I told her I'm dropping out of school. We thinks about it we does, precious, but it's time to act and in a few weeks I'll be done with all the waste and mysery and no one can blame me for anything. Independence. Time to throw in the towel. It is opportune, if you think about it. I mean, my meth-whore coworker just quit (and I call her that because she does "tricks" for meth) so I could go full-time, I know Patty the BOSS is at a loss for what to do now, super pissed that she quit...and I would pick up a second position anywhere, stay in this little apartment and have time to make it completely feng shui, save up enough for a massage certification, put in my 500 hours no-one-cares-where, and set sail in the Carribbean. Too bad I don't want to go to the Carribbean, I can't spell, and none of this will work out and I'll end up hanging myself but dying totally humiliated because I was so heavy I pulled the ceiling down. Fine, I can talk about more real, important things, like how I look terrible with bangs and how I feel really guilty about all the things I haven't recycled.Caring isn't hard, doing isn't hard, why can't we just do both? Maybe everyone else does and I'm just failing to catch on. It wouldn't be the first time. God I miss my cat. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever be able to live together again. I can't move her around because I don't think she'd like that. I just want somwhere with a nice, sunny window seat for her to relax, a piano so I can play to her, play her song, and somewhere we can roll around in the grass together. She's such a sweetheart, and I miss her. She's my best friend and I love her and it just kills me to be without her. She purrs and talks to me and it's so soothing, and she curls up on me like she's really glad I'm there, and neither of us have ever gotten mad at the other for waking each other up. I bet the other Lex Lang doesn't whine like this on his blog.