Wish upon a Monkey

Finally all y'alls bidding is done: jetzt bin ich allein. It's very liberating being single again, and I'm already having more fun than I anticipated. I guess it's the bitter disappointment that kind of eats away at my stomach, making me unable to eat, but after all, eating is lame. Disappointment? Yeah, I guess I had higher expectations of him than I realized. Still, I believe the person I wanted him to be and the person he wants? wanted? to be were the same. Maybe that's why I refuse to accept his bullshit: I know he's better than this crappy self he's putting forward. At least, I knew he was better than this. Lately I haven't been so certain. It seems to me that someone truly unhappy with who they were would put forth an effort to change it. Yes, that's easier said than done, but this is a person who can admit, "No, this isn't who I want to be, but I don't feel like changing it." So, what, you like being an asshole? You like making the people who cared enough about you to stick by you feel like total shit, feel hurt and rejected and not good enough? You expect me to accept that as your friend? Breaking up with me is the right decision, I'm sure. But fuck you, FUCK you for thinking that it's possible I would accept you copping out on me like that, lying to me about everything, and for placing such little value on me that I'd be okay with taking you in as a friend who so selfishly wants less responsibility in his life that he's willing to give up the best thing that ever happened to him. It's impossible for me to view him as anything but distrustworthy and cowardly. I wish he would prove me wrong. It's not easy to think and feel this way about someone who, a week ago, I loved so intensely I was willing to risk it all to save my place in his life. I don't think I ever had that place, and that's another disapointment. It makes me disappointed in myself, too, because I was stupid enough to trust my emotions and too stubborn to see the truth in front of me. Maybe I just hoped for it all along and none of it was there in the first place. Lately I'm more inclined to believe such. I guess that's what comes to people who put all their wishes in a monkey to give away.