Like a complete unknown

Like I was telling my brother tonight, it's extremely difficult for me to think about eliminating and leaving when I've spent over five years and so much effort establishing my own home and household. It's hard to think about winding down and wrapping up when I just got settled, saying goodbye when we've hardly said hello. I have to go. I have to prove to myself (and to my boyfriend and my parents and my friends and my teachers and the whole goddamn world, it seems) that I am not mediocre. There is more to me than this, and every bit that's trapped inside is screaming to show itself, but I have no stage. It's not that I have "no direction home," but no home toward which to direct myself. I used to love that. Maybe I've gotten too attached to people, to places, to conventionality. Maybe I'm unhappy because that's not who I am, yet the people and places have always torn apart my heart no matter how far I strayed from them. I know this is just another leg of the journey, but I'm so fucking carsick and I haven't even pulled out of the driveway.