Becoming a Woman

I like this picture because, although it is blurry, the strech-marks on my hip are visible. Stretch-marks aren't the best, but you know what? They don't signify anything negative other than the pain I had to and still endure from being a mature, human female. I carry other permanent marks on my skin, many of them intentional, and I don't regret or reject a single one. Sometimes none of them are appealing, just as the circumstances and events surrounding the marks are unpleasant and painful both physically and emotionally, but nonetheless, they bear significance, and I am stronger and more beautiful because of them. I don't know what's going to happen next. Yes, I am moving to Texas in a few months. Other than more sunshine (and thus more seratonin), cheaper living, and a fresh start, I don't know what that means to my future. Where will things go with Mike? Well, like I told him, I am leaving Morris forever (as it seems...not that I won't visit occasionally) and won't be moving back. Commitments are a difficult thing, and I recognize that huge ones at this age are impossible, but right now the only two ways an optimistic outcome seems possible are if words are spoken/tentative plans are discussed and made or if Fate takes a hand and we happen to run into each other at a bazaar in Cairo years from now...and lately it seems as though the latter is more plausible, much to my dismay and extreme disappointment. It's probably for the best. Maybe in five years I'll finally have my own Lolita, not that I necessarily wish for that. My glass is more than half empty, but rather than look at it as half full, I throw it against the wall, choosing to dehydrate myself while screaming "Fuck water!" It's just so hard. I drew the 10 of Cups once, but when I reached up to grab my glasses this morning (symbolically interesting as I made an attempt to SEE), my lover's tarot deck fell down onto the bed. One card landed face-up on my pillow. Any guesses? The Hermit. Funny thing: The Hermit chooses his isolation and thus gains wisdom, but is that what we as unenlightened humans want? What's outside of Pleasantville? I disagree with a lot of the Buddhist paths to achievement (as I understand it), because I believe that the closer we get to each other, the brighter the light inside of us shines, and we get closer to God, to Oneness, to Enlightenment...and I think we need to recognize our own needs in order to see them in others, and we need to see the needs in others in order to help them, and we need to help them in order to get close to them, etc. I remember why I stopped reading the campus newspaper. No, it's not as though I would prefer to remain uninformed about "bias incidents" (and shouldn't it be "biased incidents"?), but it sickens my already weakened heart to read about the hate and fear and cowardice of people who have been selected to attend the same university as I. I have so much pride in my school, but it's threatened by assholes. They have so much darkness clouding their paths that it breaks my heart. They are like a well that cannot be tapped because its workers cannot reach the water without dying; ever read Laura Ingalls Wilder? There is a wonderful description of a well being dug in "Little House on the Prairie" in which Pa sends a lit candle down the hole each morning before the men descend to dig. If the candle is still burning when they wheel it back up, it is safe to continue. However, if the candle becomes extinguished, poisonous gasses are present and the men cannot dig that day until they have passed. I am, however, very pleased with and touched by the students' response and support sparked by such incidents. Despite the hurt they cause, the love that shows its face is the most wonderful healer. More on the UR: Some of it is well edited, but a lot of it sucks or is mediocre at best. If one MUST split infinitives, does one really have to do it in the headline?! I'm sick of all those wannabe British fucks who write dipshit want ads about their minions and kings. Just go live at the Renfest. Please. Don't come to school because you're wasting the time you could be spending in your fantasy world. And don't get me started on the fucking "I made fun of vegetarians when I was in high school but after being in college I've been a vegan for six months and therefore am far superior to everyone" articles (sorry MtR, but you know it's true, and same goes for all you other self-righteous, elitist fuckers, some of whom I love dearly)!I think it's wonderful that you're trying to save the world, but do it in a way that's genuine and not for your image, please. Voting, meh, I suppose it's important, and I'm planning on voting this year (hooray, I guess?), but why can't WE make the changes, little by little, in our everyday lives instead of spending assloads of money to have some lying rich white guy write up shit that no one is going to follow anyway? I bet everyone who reads my blog (all three of you) is going to send me some kind of arguement, and that's fine, but is that really necessary? I mean, this is my rant. I'm not really trying to influence anyone. I'm trying to vent, sort out my own thoughts and feelings that CYCLONE through me, and let those of you who ask and encourage my writing know what's up tonight in the land of Lex.