My cousin Paul came over tonight. I was hanging my laundry out on the line when a pickup truck backed into my yard. It took a while for it all to register, but once I saw the guy wave and the lawnmower in the back I understood. He had gotten my message and delivered the mower right to my door! I invited him in for a Coke and he eagerly accepted, which I thought was kind of cool since we've barely spoken; after all, he is eleven years older than I am and about all we have in common are some relatives...one would think. He's a recovering meth addict walking the line of more time in jail if he fails another piss test (with weed. He was quite pleased that I never got into "that shit" meth.) but as he says, "Damn it, fifteen months of jail! And I'm a good person!" How true is that? Yeah, shit fucks you up (pardon my language, but it's impossible not to talk like that after spending half an hour with Paul) and a lot of times people do horrible stuff because of the influence of drugs or the drugs/money cycle, but unfortunately, people do worse things with a seemingly clear head and walk free all the time, whereas my dear cousin, never having been the brightest bulb on the tree but very sweet and good at heart, fucks up a little bit (okay, so a lot, but he didn't rape or steal or murder; fortunately, it was mostly his own life that got the shaft) and feels like his life belongs to the authorities of the state of Minnesota. Maybe it does, but I don't think it does. I don't think he believes that it does. His sense of the Golden Rule is pretty cool but also kind of scary, more a pessimistic view of it. For example, he's pretty angry with the chick who "narcked him out", but as much as he sort of wants horrible things for her/revenge/whatever, he really doesn't. As he says, "I would never wish that on someone, and I could never do something terrible like that to someone, because what if someone wished that for me? I've fucked up my own life too much to start in on other peoples'." Probably our most common, universal moral is the Golden Rule and its variations. Yet, isn't this selfish? Is selfishness a bad thing? This code forces us to think about what we want most, not what is for the greater good. We examine our own desires and act accordingly, as though our judgement were the Last Judgement. When I think about it, isn't "the greater good" a rather loaded term? I don't believe it is possible to isolate the self when considering the greater good. For example, if something happened for the greater good that were 100% terrible for you, would you still believe that it's for "the greater good"? I doubt it, but I would love it if someone could come up with an example to prove me wrong. I suppose that's where a lot of my own struggles come in. What is acceptable for me to want? When I want things for others, am I really just wanting them for myself, and should I want those things for them? If I shouldn't want something for someone else, then I shouldn't want it for myself, and vise-versa. Sometimes I scare myself into manipulation, sometimes I'm manipulated into being scared, and I'm scared of being manipulating and even more scared of being manipulated. Maybe hermits should be my role models. At the same time, I feel that turning into a hermit would not only be a denial of my personal nature but also a manipulation on its own, because my only real reason for rejecting society would be to avoid society rejecting me.

Aha. I think I figured it out, which is kind of sad considering how simple it was. But yeah, blue text, blue me. What is there to say? I feel so uninteresting, like I have lost so much of myself. The thing is, I'm not even sure who or what gained the missing pieces of myself. One could relate to the old "less is more" philosophy, but I don't think that is applicable to personality. It's as though the beauty of the world has eclipsed. An eclipse may be temporary, but I fear I've already blinded myself by focusing upon it too intently. That being said, I turned in a job application today. I think I really want this job. It's for an activity aide at the local care center, and it would do me a lot of good to be around people who need their day brightened and someone to take an interest in them and what they do. Anyway, I turned in the application and got an interview on the spot, which I must say went very well. The only problem is that I felt very fake, even though I was being myself. I feel like I just sounded too positive and too confident to be real. How do I fake it so well? It's not like I lied to the woman or anything, and everything I said was true. Perhaps it was the question, "How would you describe yourself?" that caught me off-guard, and yeah, anyone trying to get a job is bound to describe herself differently than she would to a best friend, but still...shouldn't I have talked about all my negative qualities, how I really don't think I'm the best thing in the world, that I feel like I hardly deserve to exist right now? And I know that's not the core of my truth. I know I love myself still and all, but I feel so far removed from it that it's almost as if I don't. Also, I wasn't sure whether to check "Yes" or "No" when asked "Do you have a disability?" on the application. I ended up leaving it blank. I mean, I suppose I do? It's documented but not registered, and it's not something I deal with every day...

What happened to all the different colors and fonts and stuff? I tend to get lost without icons to guide me. Maybe most graduates go through this lost feeling, and of course we're talking about more than not knowing how to post a blog in blazing orange Times New Roman. Do I have a purpose in life? It used to be so clear to me, but then, so did other things, and to be honest, my head was not "clear" in the sense most people define it. I miss the fog. I miss the secrets within the mist and all the abstraction and all the particles of mystery. I decided it's for the better, but is it? Yeah, breaking down is never my ultimate goal, but I felt so much better before it happened, so much better than I do now. Is it just the way it goes that once we have time to write, we suffer from severe writer's block? Is anything I have to say important? My words are my art; do they matter? I love reading other people's words, seeing their art, hearing their music, and it needs to keep flowing. Should I add to it or will my contribution only pollute it? Sometimes I panic, especially in the last week. What am I doing here? Why am I still here? I chose to stay in Morris because I believed I had things to learn, people to love, and to hear my "calling". Maybe I'm not listening. I don't really like that everyone asks me when I'm leaving, because I'm not. Should I leave? Do they want me out of their community? What AM I doing here, anyway? I mean, I'm only working one job right now, a job in which I don't really believe and to which I do have some moral objections...is it a good idea to stay for love and the chance to fill some empty holes in my life? I've got family and friends here, I'll have my boyfriend, but is that enough? And is it fair for them, especially Mike and especially me? Maybe I shouldn't build my foundation on something so unsure, but the only thing I have right now is my heart, and I trust it. Let's hope things are better when he gets back and I have a more meaningful job and have established my home...let's hope I'm doing the right thing.