Ten Years Ago...

Wow, this is great. I'm looking at old diaries and journals, and here's one from over ten years ago:

"11/29/95 Today was Heritage Sunday at my dad's church. We ate good food, but it sucked because Mom was upset. She was the only one who dressed up as a pilgrim, Hester Prynne, and she was embarassed [note: Heritage Sunday at this church the years before had meant the entire congregation and clergy dressing up in traditional, Puritan clothing. That church owned historical costumes and it was a lot of fun, like being in a big play...that year my mother must not have gotten the memo. Okay, back to the entry]. But at least she was a Lay Reader, so it looked like she dressed up like that just because she was Lay Reader. Mom gave me this book. She was sad & I could tell because she gave this to her mother in 1989 and asked her to write memories and stuff in it, but she never did. After she died, Mom looked for this, but found it, empty, and she cried. I'm scared because I get my big removal tomorrow. I hope It doesn't hurt. It could be cancerous, though probably not. Mom says it's better to find out what it is, because not knowing is even more scary than something bad. I hope I don't have to take off my shirt when they do it. Good thing I washed my sturdiest sports bra! I hope I get my period again soon. I'm sick of it being irregular. I love Bailey [our Basset Hound], but I hope the cat still loves me. Zeb gets mad at me sometimes, and vise-versa, but we get along OK. I hope he gets a girlfriend, because he takes stuff like that hard if they reject him, and he's got the Prom this year! I'm glad I'm popular now. I used to pray every night to be popular, and now I am."

Ha, back in the day when I was twelve years old and in sixth grade! I quoted exactly, word-for-word, spelling, and punctuation. It's really amazing to look back into myself so long ago, when I had all the cancer--perfect for a time when my body is already alien to me, already changing rapidly each day and replaced with a stranger every time I look. Back when I see how bad things were between my parents, how cold and near-death the atmosphere was in our home, how our souls had clouded and veiled our hearts with a gloomy numbness. Maybe I'm sounding melodramatic, but I am visual, and if I can finally understand the emotions that have haunted me for all this time, I will paint the picture as bright as possible. The sun really does come up again, doesn't it. It's nice to be alive, and it's nice to have a life and remember that I have it. Daily challenge: think about your life, remember you have it, and live it! Hee hee, now I'm turning into one of those inspirational posters with a picture of stars, a rainbow, and a canoe. Eh, fuck it, and bless us every one!