Six Hours Left to Shake

Oh, looky looky. It's me one year ago. Sometimes I have to wonder... Ugh. Funny how going back ON a drug feels exactly the way junkies going through withdrawal are depicted. And yes, this one is prescribed. But seriously, I have to be at work in less than seven hours and I am so tired...too bad my heart doesn't want to calm down and my body doesn't want to warm up and I can't stop thinking, thinking how I'd rather be locked up in a room for three? five? ten? days agonizing over my body's need for smack and then have it be over and done with...I can handle pain and hallucinations but not feeling like a strung-out emotional basket-case whose fifty-year-old aunt is suddenly anti-lesbian and carrying around a pregnancy test in her purse, a nut-job whose father lied to her about sneaking up through Nebraska to see Psycho Bitch from Hell (I think I called her "Hag" in my journal when I was in eighth grade and he had first moved in with her) and is starting something up with her again, thus deducting time from our visit together, after we got into a car accident (he rear-ended me) on the slippery lake road that he and the aforementioned aunt insisted I drive on to spend the night on a cold, narrow sofa at my uncle's cabin where they are staying instead of driving home where I can call my mother (the one responsible for making me play the part of the Wandering Jew, that evil-ass sinner nobody wants knocking on their door) and have her NOT listen to a word I say. Yeah...I think I'm gonna make some fried rice. Makes sense that I'm hungry because nothing I eat stays with me. Work tomorrow, of course...nice that it's with Nikki but I don't want her hounding me about going on a blind date with some guy she knows when my sheets and pillows and anything you can lean against still smell sooo nice and Mikely, so much that it makes my throat tighten up and I get this weird hollow pain in my chest. God I miss my Katy. I need my Katy, Meggie too. I wish Meg and I had stayed closer after high school. Stuff happened senior year and while we were travelling immediately after that really hurt, stuff she probably doesn't even know about. Sometimes I wish I weren't so sensitive. I'd be a much better friend if I could just shrug shit off and get rid of my complex that everyone is trying to get rid of me.

Ah. Figured out the reason for all the procrastination: avoidance. Avoidance of the fact that when I'm done with stuff, stuff will be done with me. I'm glad Dad is coming Thursday. I have a feeling I'm going to need him this year.

Without Borders

Hmmm, I wish I worked in a pc lab rather than a mac lab. Somehow I can't write in the font and colors I want here...suckness. Crossing boundaries is nice sometimes. It's challenging, but it's good to know that I'm strong enough and flexible enough (despite my current cramps) to adapt and therefore benefit. Had this dream the other night. Mom and Dad had gone to a Cheyenne or Lakota battle, but the opponents were seemingly Vikingish. My whole family was there, and I had to drop off some stuff from a helicopter. In fact, what I had to drop off was a bunch of jars of dried marijuana. We swooped down over the battlefield and I dropped jars into women's hands as they waited on a blanket and men's hands as they sat near their families. Later, when I found Mom, she was angry with me because for some reason, that was the wrong thing to do, or at least I was dropping off the wrong substance. She was angry with me, too, because I had dropped a jar to her while she was squatting and going to the bathroom. I didn't know she was doing that, and she was the one who had told me that I should make all the deliveries. I kept doing everything wrong, and someone important was killed (not because of me). I will have to look that one up and analize it. Presentation went okay today. I'm doing better in a lot of ways. It's funny how love for some people never really goes away; it'll be stored in your heart chambers forever like a separate vial of blood. I can appreciate the sentiment and the bonds more than ever, and I find beauty in the bittersweetness. Oh, and I love the German language. Mike doesn't seem to like the sound of it, and a lot of people share the same opinion. However, Germany is one of the most-populated countries in the world, and its history and culture is beautiful, and I love the sound. Der Lärm hat Herz und Seele, meine ich. ("In my opinion, the sound has heart and soul" for those of you non-deutchies)

Doom

It's funny how we always perceive DOOM as something bad, something terrible: "I'm doomed!" Oh shit! Look it up. It's all about judgement and decisions, particularly destiny. Yes, usually that destiny is unhappy and implies death or ruin, but it's not all bad. So yes, I'm doomed. We all are. Ha ha, one of the bulbs has burned out in my bedroom lamp and it brings back the memory of when Tim would be my "manly man" and change them for me or reach things for me or tell me anything about my car. Too bad we aren't speaking, hope he's doing okay, have heard otherwise, tisk tisk. Can't blame him, really, as I too want to run anywhere, be reborn, shut a few doors behind me. Today's juice is cleansing, and I feel unworthy of it. Carrot, parsely, kiwi, lemon...very refreshing. It's like I'm forcing the life back into myself. Then again, anything would be nice after last night's entire BOTTLE of champagne (not good when back on meds). Guess I just wanted to feel stupid. It compensates for the stupid way I've been acting, so stupid for someone of my intelligence. I just want to hide until it's all over. Oh, and Sheila died. YES, FUCKERS, THAT'S RIGHT, MY FISH DIED. Okay, here's the question of the day: Is someone still your mentor if you have been avoiding talking to him or her for over a year? Ie., can you truly call someone a "mentor" if you are afraid to talk to him, if you hide from her, if you look up to the person so much but are totally ashamed to even exist? God, all this makes me sound like SUCH a winner. Anyway, there is hope. I had a beautiful, beautiful dream, and having interpreted it, I'm very optimistic. Maybe some day I"ll share.