Yuck. Looks like the green-eyed monster strikes again. How is it that on days when I'm feeling lower than a lamprey it's good news for everyone I dislike? Then again, do I even dislike anyone on a good day? If I study for Monday's drug test any more I think my kidneys will shut down. Fine with me, as long as they let me eat one.

I feel like making a pink blog in a little girlish font. Why? Because today it is about my daddy. E-fucking-nough already! The only thing worse than inheriting mental illness from a parent is knowing that you can't even get pissed off at him for it because he still suffers. And how true that was today. Today is the greyest day this side of Eeyore and I'm feeling twice as bright, and everyone I know and love seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. Why is it that the only time I have difficulty getting ahold of people is when I rather desparately need them? So, any random reader could imagine my delight when my father answered the phone, only to poison my relief by saying, "I'm going to the doctor on Tuesday...I think I need something done with my medication. To be honest, all I can do right now is lie around. Wow, I don't think I could tell it like that to anyone else!" Gee, great, so I'm the only one he knows who can relate, who has been there. It's reasons like these that really push me over the edge when I'm debating adoption vs. pregnancy (when it comes to me being a mother). And no, I'm not saying an adopted child wouldn't have his/her own genetically influenced problems, and who knows? He/she is probably more likely to develop them from my own mistakes and misguidance. I wonder if adoptive parents feel they have more of a bond with their children because their relationship was 100% choice; the would have no amount of repressed resentment of a child taking away their lives/youths/focus/selves? I just hope I'm not a 57 year old, twice-divorced parent getting my daughter excited about seeing her in July when I'm in the area only to tell her he's staying in a motel because he's "not travelling alone" and hides all the details of his life from his daughter, thus again picking an affair with Psycho Bitch over much-needed time with his little girl who rapidly grows farther and further away from him. I've been having dreams that my mom and my brother joined forces and ran off on me. Maybe this is because they won't return my calls or emails...but then again, that's pretty natural considering I actually need them right now. Fuck my abandonment complex!

Damn the man!

No no, not man, just THE man. And you all know whom I mean. I'm not talking about my boyfriend or my father or my senator (although he would be the closest)...just the man. I realized today that I am making $600 less a month since I graduated AND I have a few new monthly bills. No wonder I've been so stressed out! As Wendy said, "That makes a lot of sense, and here I thought it was all about only having a push-mower!" Why didn't any of this occur to me, that simply by graduating I lost one of my jobs AND my dad cut me off. Now I'm completely cut off from family finances, which I suppose is fine and what I want and plenty fair, but I look at a lot of my friends in the same situation right now and at least they get to live at home where they don't pay rent and can feed off the leftovers of last night's dinner out. When I talked to my father a few months ago about living with him in Texas for a while, he talked about charging me rent. Hmmm. Yes, that's fair. No, I have never expected to mooch off my parents. But...but...? Does anyone know what I mean? Especially since he's had a rather significant absence in my life, financially as well...it's just terrible because I'm going to have to suck it up and get another crap job just because anything that's meaningful to me either doesn't exist or takes three years to make a hiring decision.

Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting for something a very long time only to realize I've been in the wrong line. Faith is bullshit. No wonder I'm not Christian.